I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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