Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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