im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
