I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
