i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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