he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My pussy is not your playground.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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