trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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