Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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