Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
