She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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