Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
