you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
