What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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