I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
