____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
