GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
