I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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