yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
