Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
