i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
