Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
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You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
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You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
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