I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
