I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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