I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
