so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
