Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
