I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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