There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
