We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
