last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You can't special order awesome
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
