A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just found puke in my bra..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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