two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
