Screwed.edu
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
