Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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