I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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