she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
