Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
