I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
