to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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