i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
