I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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