Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
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I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
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I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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