Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
