I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
