is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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