Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
