So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
