Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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