you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
