I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
