Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
