Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
