I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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