You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
