i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
