I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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