ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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