Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
