you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I am available for nakedness
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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