I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
