the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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